When I decided to go back to school, it was a big step for me for last time I have studied was in 1999 when I logged into Vaasa University for society science degree, it was difficult time in many ways and the stress took domination of all things and caused me to have a depression, numerous autoimmune sicknesses and finally a breakdown. It was so comprehensive that I lost track of everything and I have been on that lost state ever since. So to step back into world of school where goals are met in timeschedule was a bold decision however I felt now its the time.
Im very much behind my schedules so it was time for me to contact my tutor and contemplate the whole situation as regards to how IM coping. As this blog serves as record of study history I want to post this interraction here as well.
My letter to my tutor:
“Dear Madame
My last correspondence I asked for extension to my assignment. I want to discuss about my reading problem consairns.
It is my wish to acheive a Bachelors degree with my studies and last time I have been able to read study books was over
ten years ago, due to stress and anxiety problems and others I had to quit my studies, my depression partially rendered me
paralised unable to concentrate on almost anything. I still suffer from this experience, which is why I find only taking this slowly
in baby steps rather than not at all. It is said in the course work that I must be able present increasing knowledge in related
literature and be able to bind their work into my own. In addition to doing the course artwork and also encaging into literature
meaningful way is very slow for me due to previous health reasons, In addition to my previous mental breakdown and its echoes
in my daily life of today I also suspect I have some level of dyslexia.
I dont want this to hinder me from going forward. I did not know before I started these studies how I will be able to cope, which
is why I have not discussed about my problems before. Now upon embarking on them I can be better able to pinpoint how it
is going for me. It is more important for me to learn in a meaningful way than to just storm through the studies in order to gain
a degree, the degree is not the main priority but my learning curve. However it sets a standard and a sense of coherence that
I should indeed eventually gain the degree, it is a sign of measurement that Im coming out of my breakdown period mentally.
What I would like us to contemplate here now is how we can take this into consideration. My finances are for a period of 6 years..
However I find the most important part of my studies this beginning that will encourage me to come over my fears and previous
negative experience with studies due to the mental breakdown. In addition I suffer from sleep apnea which further slows down
my reading experience limiting it to about 15 minutes at the time or I start dozing off. I have worked hard to come around this but
it has certainly slowed things down enormously, Im sure I cant follow the pace that is designed for a healthy individual.
Please make sure to understand I really want to achieve the bachelors degree, do you have any suggestions to this ? IM already behind
now sending assignment 2 but hoping to be able to send it maybe in 2 weeks time. I do also not have any income depending on benefits and my
husbands income, so sometimes
that also slows me down as I need to wait to get more money to buy the materials that are required in the course work which are
quite a lot to be honest, but I have been able to manage them in a slow pace distributed in time, forexample I was only able buy the inks few weeks ago so I was not able
to proceed with that assignment until now.
If you have anything to say to this I would like to hear your opinion.”
Here is finally her reply:
“Hi Tiina,
apologies for the delay in replying to your message – my laptop blew up and I am only recently able to access my files.
I understand your problem and would like to offer advice as follows: In relation to the written part of the course, I am assuming that English is not your first language and if this is the case, you should not worry about the amount of reading or writing, especially at this early stage. For Drawing 1 you do not write an essay and when it comes to your learning log, you record your ideas visually with occasional notes – after all this is a visual arts course not a written English course. As artists we want to see your ‘voice’ and this might mean simply jotting down a few fast thoughts alongside little sketches. Later courses have more emphasis on written research but this increases very gradually and in time you will become used to it.
Some of the books on the reading list are ‘heavy’ in terms of academic language and we do not want students to read everything, simply to dip in and out where they find relevant parts. If you feel you may be dyslexic there may be someone at the OCA office who can help you. I will forward this email in confidence to a staff member for advice. As you are in receipt of student finance, you may also need to find out whether your particular problems may be taken into account in relation to the timescales.
Looking back at your file I can see that your first assignment was very good and I hope you will not give up on your aims because of worries about reading and writing – I’m sure we can help you with this.
I hope this helps you feel more optimistic.”
Lets contemplate this here right away. Im glad that the studies are flexible enough to see through fingers that english is not my first language. I do have to remind myself that this is not mainly about writing, however it does requare us to be able to understand modern world, where they come from and how they relate to my own work, now modern art has not been something easy for me to comprehend, I have had to approach it from different angles in order to get familiar with it. I have pushed my negative feelings aside thinking that its rubbish and really have tried to make the connections how we arrived from impressionistic movement to mere boxes or blots of colour etc. Even though right now I feel like I could never get to like non representational modern art at least Im beginning to understand where its coming from and even little glimpses where it might help me in my artistic expression broadening the scopes.
Even that Im behind my studies I still feel like Im getting somewhere my only consairn is my slow pace, time management is not one of my best.
Another consairn which i have not mentioned here is that Im hardly ever happy with anything I did, I just dont like what I do because I cant see any changes or difference and that is why I started the course to begin with to learn to draw or paint differently which IM not seeing. I feel like IM below mediocre or even less so if I should send in the assignment now I dont know what the result is going to be.
Well that is all for now, like last time, I just have to ignore my discontent again and just post it as is even thou I dont feel like IM ready at all. Lets face it Im slow there is nothing I can do about it.